..Meandering Thoughts

It’s been a while since I wrote something; something that I wanted to share, express....
And its been bothering me…to the point where I’ve been driven to write about not being able to write something.

Now what should I write?
Why should this bother me that I’m not writing anything? After all its not like I’m going to lose anything by not writing, its not like my writing is helping anyone in any way. Then why is there a subconscious restlessness within me in times of idleness?

Now that I’ve expressed my restlessness, I wonder how I should continue. I am writing all this, sitting at my office cubicle, happily oblivious to all that is going on around. Someone is playing some Hindi songs a few cubicles beyond – a team member, one of the few north Indian members of this team. Next to my cubicle, 3 team members are discussing their Andamans trip on which they are embarking today, little scraps of conversation are floating around, some other team members might be working intensely, staring at their screens. Our boss’s place is away from the rest of us, so things are slightly relaxed; our boss’s boss is not in his place, so its kind of comfortable (not that he questions anything. Though, I think he observes)

We’ve just come back from a birthday treat and everyone is a tad lazy, the stupor after over-eating makes one sluggish. The mood is holiday-ish, what with Christmas in a few days, and a lot of people taking extended leave in the coming week. Yesterday there was a Christmas celebration in our team. Every year we have it, all organized by the 3-4 Christian members of our team. One feels so warm; I guess that’s the spirit of Christmas. Besides the standard eatables i.e. cake, chips and drinks (soft), we had a treasure hunt game where all of us joined with zest. Our team is seated in a floor where most of the other people are freshers (on bench) and another solemn looking team. It was really fun; when we got the first set of clues, all of us (including boss) started running around in excitement, creating hue and cry. The rest of the floor was bewildered probably thinking that the team had gone mad.

I’ve been in this team for 2 years now - yes it was December last to last year when I joined and I’m surprised I’m still here. When I had joined, how I had been, and now, how I am, when I look back… a lot of things have changed, in me and in the team I am in. Some people left, new people joined, and some people have persisted. Locations have changed, so have entities, takeovers have occurred, promotions have happened, names have changed, and still the feeling of constancy exists. I guess this team’s specialty is that feeling, of permanence. Things look to be changing, for the better or for worse and yet ultimately they don’t really… either way.

When I joined, along with three others, none of us were really happy, it being a Quality Assurance (QA - refined term for testing) project and being located in an office far away from where the rest of our peers (of our batch in our office) were. I was mainly unhappy because of leaving the friends behind; life had finally started to catch up. Career, profession, future were the words to think about. QA seriously wasn't a matter to be worried about; since I was never really inclined towards coding as such, that wouldn’t be a problem. Anyway at that time, I had had other plans; management. MBA, CAT, IIMs after a year or so of experience. What I did for that year, so long it was OK, I was OK. Long back I’d realized that I never really had a turn for technology - why at all I had graduated in engineering, was sometimes beyond comprehension. Lack of courage, laziness and probably lack of talent were the mains reasons I suppose. Hard to accept but true. Anyway, as usual, I’m wavering away from the point.

So we were not happy. Three others from an earlier batch had joined the same team about a month before us, and they were like kindred souls when we reached there. They felt the same way as us, not liking the place. Everyone else and everything else felt unfamiliar and cold. (I think a brief explanation is required: the company that hired us as employees had acquired the software part of another company; we had been sent to become a part of a team in this acquired company, which thought already bought, still not merged completely, hence located elsewhere). Now, in retrospect, I realize why we felt that way; the acquired company had been a small company, and they worked in close harmony, almost like a family. Everyone knew each other, everyone's family was always part of all big occasions, hence everyone was very closely acquainted with everyone else - a far call from the distant relationships one shares in big organizations. So, when we joined, we were basically outsiders (guests if you rather), the feeling was inevitable.

The seven of us complained a lot, lamenting our luck, all the while enjoying the free fresh lunches (unlimited too) in the cafeteria there (yes the lunch was free for us as we were not in the payroll of that acquired company), waiting for the time we could return to more familiar surroundings. I feel, because we were so hung up on our original office that we never gave that office a chance. Also, most of us hardly ever interacted with the rest of the team, the reason being that most of us (of the seven) had no real work, and without work, it's a little difficult to get involved in a team. That's why we remained outsiders for the better part of the time we were there in that office.

After a Team building session, things lightened up a little but it was still far from comfortable. The team members were (are) mostly from down south, prominently Tamil; they converse in Tamil most of the time, which was another point in increasing the gap. Additionally, the seven of us would have lunch/tea/coffee all together, separate from the other pre-defined groups of the team, so the chances of interaction diminished even more so.

Things would have remained the same, had it not been for the shift of location. Finally the acquired company employees had to shift to our company premises, as a start to the final merging of its entity with its acquirer. At that time, all the other people in our team felt the same as we had done before (when we'd gone to their location); lost, unfamiliar surroundings, new policies, new practices, new events. Now it was our turn to explain stuff, stuff that we were familiar with, which were new to them. I think that brought us a little closer to the team. All this while I have been saying 'us' because till that time, all of us seven (who had gone there) were still in the same team. There had been no opportunity or time for an ‘I’ in those times. However, after we shifted, that changed. How? Well…

One of us left the team, for another team in the same company,
In a few months, another left the company for better career opportunities,
Our lunches started taking less time….a sense of restlessness had entered most of the seven of us…
Another stopped spending time at his seat,
Another left to another team,
The 3rd last to leave left after about a year,
The 2nd last left a few months ago; she wasn't really looking for a job change but present stringent opportunities in our team forced her to leave.

Fortunately, when just three of us were remaining, our involvement in the team increased, through work. When we started getting proper work, obviously we needed to work with the team to complete reports etc. And I had realized that the best way to reduce accountability was to confirm everything from seniors and ask each time I had a doubt. Any help regarding work, I asked. Perhaps that was the reason my communication with the team increased. I asked about everything, I confirmed everything. So that if at all something would go wrong. I would have someone to fall back on; s/he had confirmed that this was the way to do it.

I realize how cowardly I was, or maybe still am. Perhaps, now it is a little less.

Anyway, slowly, I started talking to the rest of the team. Initially it was a little tough, because almost everyone else in the team is Tamilian; they would usually converse/chat/joke in Tamil. I made a point to interrupt each time they started talking in Tamil. Each time, they would translate or they would revert to talking in English. Gradually, with time, whenever they saw my blank face, they immediately started talking in English.

Now, when I look back, I cant recall exactly how that team metamorphosed from the rigid cold team it was (may be my perception was that way because I didn’t interact and neither did anyone else interact with me) to the warm group it is now…

Maybe when we shifted to a new floor, where we were the only team and the rest were all freshers. That time, the seating was made in such a manner that everyone (of the team) was nearby. So people interacted either sitting at their desk or standing at their cubicle, and turning around.

I as usual, for every little doubt, asked my colleague sitting next to me and he, patient as he is, answered all my doubts, and still does. Three of us, sitting in the same cubicle (of four desks) somehow talked more. We became friendly, shared several stories, thoughts and perceptions, we still do. They noticed I kept on typing sometimes for hours at end, my headphones secured to my ears, not looking here and there. For the first time, I shared my blog with someone from my team. It was nice to hear appreciation. It always is.:)

Changes have occurred: Our team leader became PM (Program/Project Manager), our SPM (Senior Program/Project Manager) resigned, but luckily, the new SPM was also from the same acquired company and everyone was familiar with him. He turned out to be more approachable, more actively involved; he still is. Initially he used to sit in another floor (as he was handling two other projects). Now, he's shifted to our floor. And his cabin door is almost always open, literally. One can walk in at any time and voice out his/her concerns.

Last year our team started celebrating birthdays; going out, combined treats, pooling in, gifts, the works. After one year of this, now, it’s been decided that rather than spending the money on lunches and gifts, we would collect it and give it to charity; a thoughtful initiative, which I really appreciate. Although I’m sympathetic, I never got around to doing anything meaningful for the ones less privileged.

As I write all this, I realize that this team has changed and it has changed me in the process. I have learnt to interact, work as a team member - but these are professional changes. As a person, I have learnt to not take things at face value. You see a group of people, all involved together, you may be somewhat biased against them. You need to give everyone a chance, you might like them too. A friendly colleague has also shown me a new way of looking at things. Initially I used to wonder how all these seemingly technical people were remaining in the same monotonous line of QA, where the work wasn't usually very challenging or different, especially when the team didn't seem to have many opportunities.

When I had gotten around to talking to some of them, I asked them; one of them said, for him, mostly it was a comfort zone. One got into a line of work, got familiar and basically got comfortable with it and hence thought a million times before exchanging the familiarity for something different, something unknown, something challenging. It was not a problem if the challenges were posed in the current job/position, but to make an effort to shift into the unknown out of the comfort zone - that posed a problem and they never got around to doing it. That was dangerous they knew, but they supposed it was going to be really tough to change things - Understandable.

However, my other colleague, who I constantly keep pestering regarding all my doubts, gave me an alternative explanation. By the way, this colleague of mind has gradually become an understanding soul; well I can’t describe it, he’s not what I would call a friend, because we never get personal as friends do. However we get along, and somehow he understands my thought processes. Let’s define him as an understanding friendly soul. Well, what he said was that, for him, work was not the end; it was just the means to an end. The end could be undefined now, but it was definitely not the work he was doing right now, i.e. this technical line.
He said, the time spent in office, doing the work we are, without much stress or workload spares us so much time at hand…to do all the things we want to do; learn new things, travel (unlike many other teams, there is no concept of working on weekends in our team, so weekends are very much your own. Along with a day or two at either end, one can very well travel to places around Bangalore), express, or like me, write. That was why he was persisting working here. Yes it is true to love the work you do, but what if you don't? Do you quit even though it gives you a lot of comfort, perks and free time. Yes maybe that is the challenging way to go – quit and find your way.
However, to give up all the comfort that an IT job gives you to waver in a different direction, unknown as yet… that requires a lot of conviction and courage in yourself, as well as passion for the alternative way.

I would be lying if I didn't accept that I don't have that much conviction. More so because, I haven't found the end yet, for which this work is a mean. I realize I don't have overwhelming passion for anything; passion that would awaken in me the guts to break from this trodden path. My colleague says, you have to search within to find that end - think, untiringly until you find your true way. I have searched, somewhat half heartedly, but haven’t really found the answer yet. Maybe some day, it will dawn on me. Until then, well, I’m here. Working, writing, enjoying… I don't hate my job… I can't blame the job.

Anyway to summarize my point (‘useless’ you say? Or laugh at the word ‘summarize’?), I realize I have also become that way, accepting the work here, and yet somewhere, my mind is searching, restless in its endeavour, trying to find the passion..

Coming back from my meandering thoughts…

A few people in the team are now kind of my friends (I say ‘kind of’ because again, we never really get personal), we share our stories, of things that have struck us, some past incidents that made an impression. Without getting into too much personal stuff, we have so much to talk about. Sometimes, a few of us start discussing something, and someone else comments, and soon there is a full blown discussion (non-technical always), many members standing in their places and our SPM, opening the door of his cubicle, and emerging out, as if not wanting to miss out any fun. In fact nowadays he doesn't even close his cubicle door. Leaves it all open; open to discussion, open to suggestions…

Now since I’m writing this piece in a space of about a month, things have changed a little, so lets forward to now, i.e. the ‘now’ when I’m writing this part of this post.

Today is Pongal also known as Sankranti, also known as Makar Sankranti also known as Bihu; same day, same occasion (of the season of harvest), and yet different names in different parts of the country.

And for our team (Tamilian mostly), Pongal is one of the big festivals. So, as usual, a proactive member of the team had the idea of bringing in lungis or dhotis (a length of cloth draped by men, traditionally in the south, I’m not too sure..). Three or four people, including the SPM, draped themselves in the garment and remained clad in traditional garb the entire day. Three people brought in the sweet dish ‘Pongal’ for the entire team, one intellectual innovator collected all information about the festival and forwarded it to the team. When I reached office, about 10:30AM, almost the whole team (i.e. the members who had not taken leave) was standing in a cluster of cubicles. I glanced at them, surprised and rather curious and saw the containers containing home cooked Pongal – delicious, sweet and dripping with ghee. What made me feel a glow of gladness was that with a team of twenty-five members, people still brought in eatables for the entire team; happy to share… happy to celebrate together.
Besides my sub-team who had a report to submit, no one seemed to have much work. Good for them, since no one was in a mood to work, and nobody was, including my sub- team. Some sat at their cubicles, while our SPM, PM and some team members sat in a circle within a cubicle, chit-chatting – generally, about stuff, half the time in Tamil, half the time in English. All seemed so relaxed…

Who I was most surprised to see in the carefree mood was our SPM, because, although he always comes and participates in all conversations, he never loiters around, like our PM. Its not his fault really; he sits in a cubicle which is slightly far away from the rest of the team and hence, gets bored, and so comes to the entire team’s cubicles which are all close by, and chats with almost everyone. However, today, it was more our SPM who was restless, not going into his cabin for more than fifteen to twenty minutes, before coming out again, with some conversation in mind.

So these people were all sitting in an open for all discussion about nothing in particular. Then some guys broke the tête-à-tête to go to the cafeteria for a cup of tea and what came into the mind of the PM, but to call the entire team for a group tea. Haha…doesn’t make sense right? Well, he was generally calling everyone with ‘lets all go for tea… lets call in team tea etc. etc’. Thus, we all went up. Some took tea, some didn’t. It was about noon - time for lunch; preparations were going on but our celebrating team had come for tea. Silly really; there was no one else there except the staff. We all sat in a circle, again, chitchatting, again – nothing special or huge, and yet nothing more unusual and memorable.

So that is the story of my team and its evolution, from its fledgling state of unknowns to a coordinated set of people, very much aware of each person’s personality; where all work and fun was choreographed into seemingly effortless harmony, where work was the priority but all other parameters too mattered.

Anyway maybe I’m getting a little too caught up in the team’s dynamics. It is not all that rosy. Professionally, the team has minimum growth opportunities, with no scope in the near future for improvement (since I’ve made up my mind to stay, that doesn’t really affect me), there are a lot of negative undercurrents in the team – between team members, between team and PM, etcetera, politics of leadership, unwillingness to accept faults, non-acceptance of responsibility; all of these pebbles create more than occasional ripples in the peaceful placidity of the team.

On a personal level, as of now, sometimes I start to hate the way the team members tease around, especially me. The history is, when our team had become very friendly, initially I’d also joined in with gusto - talking, opining, and the perception that had been created of me had been…well… I guess that of a young graduate, new to work, cool-minded, who was (is) outgoing, opinionated, somewhat talented (I think so), but mostly a girl who wasn’t very sensitive to small jokes. I.e. she wasn’t one of those girls who minded getting teased and got angry very easily. All this is mostly true, but what resulted from that perception is that everyone started teasing me… endlessly.
I was the chief target; I guess because the only other girl of my batch was a quiet kind, who would take umbrage if some teasing comment was told to her, and would reply back. However, myself, due to my permanent dislike of confrontation, I never did that, and they took that as not minding, and so it continued. After some time, I realized I was getting upset, although I was not expressing it to anyone, and that was affecting me. I decided to cut down on interaction and I consciously did, in a way which wouldn’t make people think that some tragedy had occurred, just that I wasn’t talking much. Slowly the teasing reduced.
However, that was some months ago. As of now, it has started all over again, and I’m not happy. Despite the good team camaraderie, this cloud in my mind mars my positive outlook. And frankly I don’t know how to handle it. Guess this post has unintentionally and unexpectedly turned into my personalized list of grievances.

Anyway before this post becomes another lengthy treatise about me, myself and my team, I’ll just stop here. Just to be clear, despite all the annoyance, I’m glad I’m still here, because being in this easy-going team allows me to have several comforts, which I wouldn’t have been able to afford anywhere else…; the tangible ones being, coming late (2PM), leaving early (2PM) if required, just so long as the work assigned is done or assigned to someone else.:)

After reading the entire piece, I’ve realized that the basic reason why I was writing this, i.e. because I wasn’t writing anything else, did bring out some thoughts; some thoughts that I would have liked to share, along with thoughts that I never would have shared. But then, since I have penned them down, I might as well post it. I guess such unexpected things happen when you start some journey without knowing the destination.